Zen, Love and why it's hard feeling it at the moment, but wish I did: (Very much so)

I was a little worried, actually I have been worried a while, dismayed and discouraged by my feeling for humans, and even friends as we spread ourselves so thinly in today's networking age. I think it is a little to do with my problem solving autistic brain (I'm nearly sure) where social kindness is part of this world of mine and as particular as everything else going on in here and so, when things go wrong or sometimes even different they seem to fly out of my brain and don't concern me in real terms and become very big problems of principle.

I then realise that I can care for my children so resolutely so profoundly, and I used to care for humans and humankind in the same way but a few knock backs by certain people and I spin off orbit so badly that I become more a human kind lover but only in the bigger scheme of things. I do still love my friends, family and humans in general, but I feel tainted by wankers very badly and I would like to not be swayed by wankers anymore.

For one, to some I'm sure I am one of the wankers.
For two, I seem to expect others to dig my ideals the most and that is bad and hurts.

I still think, a land where ambitions are for love and beauty, and money is a by-product, and fame is a by product: how massively and wondrously would we evolve. Our eyes would turn and be bright, not callous and blurred. The focus would come in our focus to such that humans aspire to but rarely practise as a practise. The closest I have come to researching this kind of life is a more Zen life where ones work is a practise of the moment. Where Perfect is perfect anywhere, not because it has riches in mind or fame or a big city. Craftspeople and artisans, true ones.

I am trying and have always tried to be this resolute about humans, but I still feel alien. Maybe because I'm 4th generation Italian on my mother's side and 2nd generation Italian on my Dad's side I never fit in here,.. But I think the Artistic Autism is a major factor or that I am in fact an alien. But the resolute love and understanding and tolerance I have for my children, I would love to feel a decimal integer for others. I will try because I would like to evolve now not in some Darwinian generation 10,000 years from now.